For Angela & Max

by David Thaler
Copyright 2002

Thank you. For so much. Space in the womb. Breast milk. Pain of birth. Tears. Tolerance. Powerful example of many things: Helping people. Being kind to animals. Working hard. Using intelligence to help people. Telling me how dangerous the world is. Showing and sharing and giving to me, by example, loving separate from judgement and separate from fear.

When I was a child I crawled into their bed and just wanted to lie near them. Or sleep on the floor like the dog. Just to touch lightly would be enough. In the day it was too busy and perhaps everyone was more shy except the dogs of course. I didn't relate as much to the cats, except for Trixi when she slept under my covers.

Angela taught me about the existence and value of creative work. When I was ten or so she helped me build models and later encouraged my interest in electronics and amateur radio. Among the models were model airplanes including one with a motor that made a lot of noise and flew in circles tethered to a rope. I broke it very soon. There was a submarine with little decals... a 'Visible Man'’ anatomy doll that I didn't understand well at all...

Regarding the radio and electronics, she introduced me first to a local TV repairman who Omama liked and gave peach brandy when he fixed her set. He was a ham radio operator but not very active. He let me visit his home around the block and this was the first time I ever saw anything like a laboratory bench. It was his workbench where he repaired TV sets and had his toolbox to take on house calls. I may have subconsciously made the connection to the office and Max's black bag for house calls.

(Years later Susie told me that she became lonely because I had for many years watched TV with her and then I was always upstairs in my room. I realize now there was a reason for my sudden change from TV to short-wave radio. I had become nearsighted but didn't know it or have a word for it. At school also for two or three years I could not see what was written on the blackboard. I became a good listener and covered up my disability. Years later when I got glasses, Angela told me how she as a youngster had been shocked by her first visualization of trees having individual leaves.)

I don't recall what combination of Angela and Max found out about and introduced me to Frankie Knight. Frankie lived in Potsdam and he was paralyzed since he had been a

teenager. Always in bed, barely able to move his arms or face, frozen fingers, Frankie was a ham radio operator who talked to people around the world. He taught me a lot about radio and examined me so that I could have my own license. Angela and Max then bought
me radio and electronic equipment.

Angela helped me in activities that were normally done by the father in this society. She and I built a Heath kit radio receiver. Although the directions seemed quite complete, we couldn't get it to work. Fortunately when you bought the kit, there was an option to send it back to the factory where for a fee they would fix it and send it back to you working and with a list of what you had done wrong. I recall we had made a dozen or so wiring mistakes and cold solder joints.

A lesson from Angela and Max that took me about thirty years to learn.

I remember once bringing home a report card from school and showing it to Max and Angela. I didn't in particular want to show it to them, but I knew that it was required. In fact this might have been the first time that I was ever given a 'report card' to bring home. I'm not sure how or when this is done or what sort of generally traumatic thing it is for kids. The reaction I recall was as if they, especially Max, were embarrassed. I don't think
there was anything special about the report card itself; my grades were fine but not great. Why do I have to look at this? To a certain extent I was wasting their time. I also got the feeling that they did not want to invade my space or to comment on how well I was doing or was not doing in school. This I take now as part of the general theme they communicated to me: "We don't care what you do as long as you are happy" and "We love you no matter what you do."

Later, when I was an adolescent, the US was in the Vietnam war. It was a possible revolutionary time, like the coming of fascism to Germany or the US civil war. I wonder if one reason they were free with me was that in a real revolution one could not be sure what sort of behavior would be most likely to allow survival.

I did not graduate from high school and my college graduation occurred at an undefined time as I racked up enough equivalency exam and transfer credits. School grades and graduations or their absence never came up between me, Angela or Max.

When I was graduating from the University of Massachusetts one of my
professors asked me if I was going to graduation the next weekend. I said no.

She said "But senator Kennedy will be speaking and your parents would love it."

I replied "Ruth, my parents really do not care about this sort of thing."

My professor persisted "David, parents just pretend they don't care about this sort of thing when actually they do. Call and ask them, you'll see."

"OK Ruth," I assented.

I will never forget the phone call that followed: "Hi, uh, I'm graduating next weekend and I wondered if you would like to come to the graduation. It will be very nice and Senator Kennedy will be speaking." There was a very long pause. Both Max and Angela were on the phone on separate extensions.

Finally Angela said "Well uh, er, if it's very important to you, I suppose we could make it.." Her tone was not at all harsh but I think a little surprised at what I was asking and not in particular looking forward to the long drive both ways for a ceremony that they were rather surprised I would be interested in.

I laughed and said "No, no, someone put me up to asking you. The truth is that I don't care at all and wasn't going to go but someone told me it would be important to
you." We were all relieved and another stupid ceremony avoided.

Years later, in Oregon, in conversations with friends, I learned that I was the only one in our group who did not send reprints of his or her papers to their mother. I had assumed that she wouldn't want them, thinking of reprints as an extension of report cards and graduations. My friends encouraged me, and so I did send her my reprints and was surprised when she called immediately and said how much she liked them. I then reminded her of the stories from our past in the paragraphs above. Through my whole life I had thought she was not much interested and maybe thought it was stupid bragging for me to show her this sort of stuff. She responded "David, when you go to school, eventually you graduate. That's expected. But these papers represent original work."

I laughed and spoke in order to check my new tentative understanding "So all those years, it's not that you weren't interested, but that you have high standards?"

She responded immediately "That's right and you finally got the point."

A further lesson from Angela, delivered just right.

I received a phone call from my mother almost eight years ago which began with a perfect sentence.

"Now David, you should not feel too badly that you have forgotten your mother's eightieth birthday."

Everything was perfect in the way she said it. The word "too" was drawn out a
little but not a lot. It was clear that I should feel "some" badly which would work out to "just exactly the right amount of badly."

As it happens, I was at the time Angela called, in the throes of writing a 'Perspectives' piece for Science magazine, under deadline pressure and additional tension between myself and the editor. The editor fought me over almost every sentence. At one point I said to her "I am surprised you don't want me to take out the sentence dedicating this piece to my mother on the occasion of her eightieth birthday."

My editor responded "No, I liked that."

Thank God (the editor), the dedication got in. I had meant to get reprints to send Angela and didn't tell her about the dedication, but she found out about it by herself through a good coincidence.

A week or two after our phone conversation, Angela was buying a second hand car as a gift for someone (Gracie, I think). She answered an ad in the paper for a candidate car and went over to check it out. On learning her name, the owner asked if she had a son "David" and told her what was up with the dedication. This was a gift to all of us from fates and luck and not something I can ever count on again to at least partially redeem me.

Another lesson from Angela and Max through the way they cared for me and through their example.

Angela and Max did not swear, at least not in English/American. It wasn't their habit, or they never learned the language that way. However, I will use a swear word in order to be clear about a lesson they taught me. The lesson was "The sun does not shine out of your asshole." This point of perspective in the universe and empathy for the experience and


especially suffering of others is something they taught me by example. I could see on the expression of Max, especially, such pain when he saw someone else hurting. And I could
see Angela, especially, using intelligence in order to help people. Concern and action to help people. I was given these treasures by their example.

Through them I learned that there are more important things in the world than how I happen to be feeling or how well I am doing in my school, job, love life and so on. Two-year-olds think they are the center of the universe. A surprising number of people never seem to improve that emotional understanding. I don't know if I would have grown up to be an egomaniac with a different set of parents. I don't have a bad sense of self esteem either. But I think I am a kinder person than I might have been.

Years later, when I was many years an adult, I was walking with Angela in New York and we came upon someone who was sick, perhaps dying on the sidewalk, holding out a cup. I walked by. Angela said, not harshly and more to herself than to me, "What, are you crazy?" turned around and gave the person a dollar. Said nothing more about it as she joined me and we walked on.

Many of the gifts and lessons given to me by Angela and Max were, not explicit, but simply the result of my privilege in being around them so that I could see who they were. They reversed the usual stereotype roles of the sexes in American society. Max had the more female qualities of emotional life. Angela was the brains of the operation, clearly smarter in an intellectual sense. Both gave me unconditional love and encouragement "We don't care what you do as long as you are happy," they each said to me in his or her individual style all my growing up years and beyond. At the same time they never told or even implied what I was supposed to do or be; they were giving me by their own being an amazing example of passionate, compassionate help to others with every fiber of their hearts and minds. Many people pulled me aside to tell me how Max and Angela had saved their lives. I am grateful for the treasure of such an unspoken example and to share in this gratitude by many many others. There is much more I want to say but it is beyond my words. Thank you.